To Get To Know Your Date Better, Enter A Longdez-Vous
It may take 172 days to decide if a partner is "the one" — or at least that's what the researchers of a 2018 study published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences discovered after surveying married couples. That might not seem so long to make such a life-changing decision, but it can feel like a distant reality when juggling dozens of matches on dating apps and going on too many inconsequential coffee dates to count.
To speed up the process and get to know potential partners better, it might be time to try a longdez-vous. Just as its catchy name suggests, a longdez-vous is a lengthier alternative to brief, superficial dates and hookups. Instead of going on six standard dates — like, say, meeting for drinks — and still not knowing the other person's middle name (or, more importantly, what they'd bring to a relationship), longdez-vous dates pack more quality time into each meetup, making it easier to gauge compatibility.
Dating app Badoo helped popularize the concept, identifying the longdez-vous as one of the top dating trends after the COVID-19 pandemic. On this, the app's global dating expert, Sophie Mann, shared, "Daters often find it tricky to fully come out of their shell on a first date, so by spending a bit longer on them, it's much easier to form a connection." But is this trend the right one for you?
How long a longdez-vous date should last
According to Badoo's data, the average date typically lasts around 2.5 hours. However, 74% of respondents in a survey conducted by the dating app said they'd like dates to last longer. Similarly, Badoo research cited by Daily Star revealed that 66% of singles prefer dates that surpass the three-hour mark. Moreover, 39% agreed that a longdez-vous is ideal for getting to know a potential partner better.
There's no one-size-fits-all benchmark for determining the ideal date length, but some experts say it's better to save longdez-vous meetups for later. "Instead of blowing out your hair and giving away a whole Saturday night to someone you've never met, the mini-date lowers the stakes, keeps you from wasting hours, and keeps the awkwardness at bay," New York City-based dating coach Amy Nobile told Insider, suggesting that first dates be limited to just 30 minutes.
With Nobile's advice in mind, consider keeping initial meetings quick, treating them as a precursor to an extended second date. As a rule of thumb, if you see any potential during your first date (when you're both still just warming up to each other), be open to a lengthier follow-up date. Then, you can spend more time assessing your chemistry and testing the waters with deeper and more meaningful conversations.
When to cut a longdez-vous short
Whether you're on your first longdez-vous or your fifth, the time you spend with your potential partner can help you discover a genuine bond — or, alternatively, major red flags and incompatibilities. So, while the longdez-vous trend is worth a try to truly get to know someone beyond the initial jitters and awkwardness, it's not worth committing to if you realize your date isn't right for you.
First, any form of disrespect is never okay, and it may indicate that the worst is yet to come if you continue spending time together. "They might ask you too many personal questions. They may get too touchy or sexual early on. They may be pushy about ordering more drinks or staying later than you want," relationship coach Susan Trotter told Insider. "Any one of these behaviors is a boundary issue and a significant red flag." Likewise, if your date behaves rudely to other people, such as the restaurant wait staff, take it as a signal to cut your long date short.
If you find yourself feeling unsafe or uncomfortable, it's also totally okay to make a beeline for the door. Remember, a longdez-vous is a chance to get to know someone on a deeper level. Once you have enough information to rule them out as a viable match, there's no need to stick around.